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Sunday, July 9th, 2006
7:53 pm - Im sorry
I realize I have been a rather crapy lj friend and I have not left comments for any of you and I have slacked greatly on my updating.. things have just been really busy lately. We're going camping with Rick's family tomorrow and tuesday and then wensday, thursday and possibly friday we will have the house to ourselves! haha Im very excited about it. We actually drove by the place where theyre building the new apartments at and they are so cool! I think thats why we're still on the waiting list because about the time they told us we should get in is the time that the new apartments will be done! So I am greatly hoping to get in. I actually told Rick that would be a really good birthday present.. for us to move into our own place :) Actually I'm getting one birthday present at the beginning of next month.. a month early but its cool.. Im getting my tongue pierced! I am so freaking excited.. if any of you have had it done.. I would love some advice on how much pain I;ll be in and such.

this isnt much of an update but Im trying..

Rock On!

current mood: sore

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Saturday, July 1st, 2006
11:42 am - Worried..
Well, yesterday Nevaeh spent the day with mom and dad and my brother. So Rick and I could have a break and so they could spend some time with Nevaeh. We went bowling and yeah we had a lot of fun. But when we got back mom gave me my mail and everything and I had gotten a letter from my doctors office saying I needed to contact my doctor's consulting nurse as soon as possible. Which in turns has me a little worried, speaking I had some tests and stuff done Im just worried something major is wrong. Granted its most likely something minor like my sugar level is too high or too low. But theres still that fear that something could be wrong. Although Ive never physically seen this kid and I dont know quite yet what it is I still love it and I dont wanna lose him/her. I also dont want there to be something wrong and Rick get heart broken.. hes so excited and all about this baby. He loves peanut like shes his, and this kid would be his blood and idk.. expecially if its a boy. God theres just so much going through my head right now. Im scared and fustrated because I cannot find out what the deal is until monday. hmmm...

current mood: worried

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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
12:13 pm - yup yup yup
Well, I had my doctors appt. yesterday. The babys heartbeat was perfect and such. I have my next appt. in 3 weeks and then I get to find out what Im having! I REALLY hope Im having a boy. I already have my girl and then if I have my boy everything after that is a bouns.

Life is just.. idk weird.. you grow up thinking life is going to turn out a certain way and your going to have this picture perfect life.. only thats never what happens.  I grew up thinking that I would get through school, go to college, become a nurse or a doctor, or whatever it is I wanted to be, then Id meet the love of my life and fall utterly in love and get married, have a family, travel the world and just do good in the world.. actually have an exciting life. But see thats not what happened. Instead, I have been given quite a few curve balls in my life thus far. I have been raped on five different occasions, four of them by someone who I had loved and who I had thought loved me. I had one child at the age of seventeen, struggled to graduate high school, meet the love of my life, fallen in love, and at the age of eightteen gotten pregnant again, and now Im living on my own and trying to start college. It seems to me that I seem to be going through life backwards from what I had always thought I would. Life has a habbit of throwing all these roadblocks in the way, not to try to ruin a persons life or make their life miserable but to teach them how to be a better person. How to do what is right in the world and not to take things for granted. Yes, there are those people who grow up with money and everything they could ever want, but they will never understand the true treasures in life. I use to wonder why life, God, everybody hated me enough to let me get raped 5 different times, get beat by someone who was suppose to love me, see my parents struggling and hurting because it didnt matter how much they worked there just wasnt enough money for all the bills and everything else, to see my brother go through hard times and know there is nothing i could do about any of it. I use to think everything that happened to everyone I cared about in my life was because of me, because of me they got punished. But now that I look back upon it all I realized something important. It wasnt because I needed to be punished or my family or anyone else I cared about needed to be, but it was to teach each of us that its not about what you have in life or what you dont have its about helping eachother, doing whats right in life, being a good person. My life maynot be what I grew up thinking that it would be, but I wouldnt have it any other way than what it is now. I would not be the person I am today if it wasnt for everything I went through.  I guess Im just thinking out loud for the time being. I dont know, Ive been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. Its all just wierd. I dont know... Im just scared about whatelse can be thrown this way, things are changing more than they ever have and very quickly and I just I dont wanna do something wrong. Then at the same time.. I hear about all the stuff everyone else is doing and I just I feel so cut off. I never have gotten the chance to really have fun. Ive never been to like a party party, Ive never just randomly went someplacei  and  I just idk. I think thats why I feel bad about getting pregnant. Rick has gotten to do all that stuff and gotten to do things he likes and stuff.. but now... he goes to work, comes home and does jack shit with me.. because well lets face it Im boring and never do anything fun, now it seems like the only thing fun he gets to do is band practice.. I feel like Im runing his life.. I feel like Im holding him back.

current mood: depressed

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
8:35 pm - Just thinking out loud.
I've been trying to get things in line for my classes for school and then working on getting covered insurance wise. I'm trying to figure out if I'm going to go to LLCC or MacMurry College for my nursing degree. I mean this fall all I can take is a couple of classes online.. well tech. I can take all 4 classes for the semester online.. but I will have to wait on my actual nursing classes until next spring when I can actually go to the school. Since I'm having the baby in November theres no way I can handle being that far along and going to school and sitting in classes. But I am eager to get back to doing something other than cleaning the house and taking care of Nevaeh... not that I mind it. I just like school and/or having a job and right now I have neither so I'm excited for this fall.

I have my doctors appt. on Wensday morning. I'm hoping I get my sonogram then to find out what I'm having. I REALLY hope its a boy.. Rick and I have our girl already so a boy would be nice. I'm really thinking it is. I have to have a couple of blood tests and such and the normal routine, but I'm hoping I get the sono too. If I get it I will deffinately post the pictures! :]

Well, I surpose thats about it when it comes to my life as of this moment. Not too exciting I know. But hey it works for now.

Rock On!

current mood: calm

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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
12:47 pm - Things are better
Rick and I talked out everything last night.. it was kinda ackward on the way into Springfield to go to the drive in because neither one of us would talk.. well except to Nevaeh.. but yeah things are better. Im willing to bet some of the way I've been feeling is because of the pregnancy, but nevertheless. I'm just happy things are better now.

Rick gets off at 4 so I'm happy about that much.. I just feel bad because we didnt get back home and in bed until after 3 and he had to be at work at 10 thismorning. But he said it wasnt a big deal.. if nothing else he can take a nap.

Ive gotta work on my insurance and stuff for school yet today. Then monday I have to remember to call about getting Nevaeh into the doctors office. Next week should be fun at some point we're going to go to the drive in and see x-men 3 and the omen.. granted we've already seen the omen .. on opening night of course.. but hey this is the dive in thatll just make it better lol.

obviously I dont have a hell of a lot going on today... just cleaning and playing with Nevaeh.. which is easy peasy haha. But its all good.. maybe I'll take Nevaeh swimming this afternoon.

Rock On!

current mood: cheerful

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Friday, June 23rd, 2006
11:03 am - ugh!
Alright so thismoring before Rick got ready to go to work ... we made love.. well we no sooner get done and fucking starts talking about Dusty. What the hell! He has been talking about her for the 3 days streight.. its fucking pissing me off.. I swear he likes her or something and if thats so then he needs to fucking tell me and I can deal with it... I am so fucking tired of hearing about her from him. Hes suppose to be my man but he keeps talking about another chick.. it fucking sucks. I know I should talk to him and tell him how I feel and everything.. Im just not sure how to go about it... but if he goes on about her after work again Im gonna lay into him. This is bullshit. I dont wanna go through this again.. I shouldnt have to...idk Im gonna let him know we need to talk tonight.. and well see what happens.. I just dont know how to bring it up to him. I have until 8 tonight to figure it out.. so Ill just think about it and see what happens. Im just scared.. but I guess I dont really have anything to be worried about.. because I know he loves me.. I just .. Idk.. something doesnt seem right with this. We shall see tonight.

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
4:24 pm - first entry
yeah so I had to get a new journal due to someone hacking in to my old one.. things are going great right now though. Im just tired today cause Ive been watching kids all day and yeah its worn me out. but its all good. I just have a major backache right now.. sleeping on that mattress is really starting to hurt. I cannot wait to get a new one.

Well.. I dont exactly have anything else to say so yeah ill make a better update later on

current mood: tired

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